I want to be happy again

I so want to be happy again. I'm really, really trying. I love my family so much and I've been blessed but I've just got this whole in my heart. It hurts everytime I see a new baby. It hurts when Ava plays with her baby doll. It hurts when I see a little boy. I don't think there will ever be a day when it doesn't hurt.

I just can't believe this is my life. Last night I was listening to a sermon and he was telling a group of newly ordained elders what they would have to deal with during their ministry. They would have to deal with difficult situations. LIke being there for couples as they get married yet having to counsel couples through a divorce. Then he mentioned that they will be there to celebrate the birth of babies, but they may also have to help a family when they have to bury their infant. When he mentioned this the congregation gasped. It was a powerful message but when he mentioned the death of a baby it grabs at everyone's heart. All I could do was sit there and cry because that is my life. The death of a baby is too gruesome for anyone to imagine but that is my life. That is our family. One sweet baby girl on earth and a son in heaven and it will always be this way.

I've got to find a way to live with this pain and be happy again. I can make it through most days without a tear, but my heart is still broken. I don't really care about anything anymore except for my family. All I want to do is stay home and be with my family every minute because they are so precious to me and I don't know if they'll be taken away. Its a terrible fear to live with and I can't control any of it.

My sweet boy would be 4 months old today. I wish he were here, I miss him so much. I had to take his beautiful picture off of here because some sick pshyco on facebook was stealing angel baby pictures and posting hateful things about them on her page. So to protect by little boy, i had to take it down.

Frustrated

I wish that 4 months was enough time for me. It seems as though the rest of the world is just moving on as planned and my life is still stuck in this twilight zone. Losing Jacob is still very fresh for me. At first everyone was mindful of my feelings but now its just like nothing ever happened. Maybe for everyone else 4 months is enough time to move on.

Some days I can be hopeful and look forward to the future. I really feel like I've been having a better time with things lately. I can see that I am healing in some ways. I can talk about Jacob without crying. I can think of him in heaven in a positive way. But then a day will hit me and I just go back to WHY. WHY WHY WHY US!? Why did my son have to die? Why do worthless piece of shit families who have no business having kids in the first place, living on welfare and social security, who keep having kids for the sole purpose of another damn government check get the privilege of having a healthy baby and my son had to die? Its so damn unfair how can I not be bitter and pissed?

I want Jacob. Even if I have another baby, it won't be Jacob. No one ever will be. I want another child so Ava can have a sibling to grow up with but no one will ever be Jacob and no one will ever replace him or heal my heart. Another baby won't make things easier. People say that and its just not true. I will never have my beautiful Jacob and there is nothing in the world that can bring him back or make me feel better. Except for time, and I am sorry, 4 months just isn't long enough.

Dear Jacob

I can't believe its been 13 weeks since I held your for the first and last time. I miss you so much. I finally put your picture up in my bedroom. So now every night I get to see your beautiful face instead of imagining it in my mind. We are surviving with out you. Its not much fun but we have to do what we have to do. Some days I wish I could just join you in heaven, but I know I am still needed here. I am trying to make the best I can without you. Your nursery is still ready for you. I haven't had the heart to take your letters off the wall but I know its coming. I wish I could tell you that we are all here doing well and we are happy, but I can't say that. We just miss you so much everyday. I just wanted you to know how much I love you and I've been praying that God will kiss you for me every night since I don't get to. I don't have to worry too much about you because I know you are safe and loved where you are. You are in my heart and on my mind everyday. Mommy loves you.

Sleepless Night

Well I've just laid in bed for 2 hours and nothing is happening. This might be an ambien night. Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I knew mother's day was going to be difficult so I worked myself up all week worrying about how it was going to go. I had decided I wasn't going to church service. Then this morning I woke up and it wasn't so bad. I wanted to go to church, so I went. Yoshi did everything he could to make my day special. He "made" breakfast so I didn't have to cook. (He picked up donuts lol) He did the dishes all day long. He and Ava gave me a beautiful butterfly charm for my bracelet. Ava decorated a sweet mother's day card and Yoshi wrote nice words on the inside. My brilliant baby girl even counted to 10! Yoshi encouraged me all day. He was sweet and bragged about how great I was at being a mother and how he was glad I wasn't working anymore. He thanked me for working so hard all the time to keep the house clean and cook yummy meals. Yoshi also hung a shelf in our bedroom where we were finally able to put Jacob's picture and urn. I was glad to finally have pictures of my baby boy up. He finished the day off by giving Ava a bath and cleaning up! It was pretty much a dream day. A wonderful day with my family and a pretty awesome husband taking care of me.

So at the end of the day, I find myself laying in bed feeling so incomplete. There is just a part of me that is not here. My Jacob. I feel like he has taken a part of my heart with him. I don't know if I will ever feel completely happy again. I know that time will help heal. It already has in many ways. I am so much better than I was 13 weeks ago. 13 weeks ago tomorrow was the day my world fell apart. It was the day I saw panic in my doctor's eyes as she desperately tried to find his heartbeat. I'll never forget one minute of that day. I'll never forget the utter helplessness, despair, unimaginable pain I was in. I am far from that today. I feel like I have come so far but I am no where close to feeling resolved. I honestly feel like it will be years if it ever happens for me. I don't know if I'll ever feel %100 again.


I am so grateful that Yoshi and Ava tried so hard to get me through the day. It could have been so much worse. Unfortunately, as hard as Yoshi tries, he can't take the pain away. This was my first mother's day as a mom of 2 and I've only got 1 baby here. There were these book marks in the church bulletin for everyone today. They were really nice and on them the words read, "Mother's hold their children's hands for a short time, and hold their hearts for ever" It nearly ripped my heart out. My time was cut so short. I only got to hold his hand once. I can remember wrapping his sweet little hand over my finger. That was it, that was the only time I got to hold his hand. Now I've got to hold him in my heart until I get to see him again. I wish I could hold him again now. I wish I didn't have to wait. I hate this so much, I don't want to wait!!!!!

I hate that this hole is going to be there for the rest of my life. I'll always have one less face in our family pictures. I'll always have one less stocking on the mantle at Christmas. I'll always have one less sweetheart to rock at night. Everyday is a struggle, but the events and holidays are even harder. I don't know if I'll ever feel truly happy again. I hope I will, but right now it just seems impossible.

To keep my spirits up today I stayed off my support group. I knew today would be a difficult day for mothers like me and I figured most posts would be sad poems or angry vents. I just wasn't up for it today. I managed to check my email though and a very sweet fellow angel mommy sent me these beautiful images with Jacob's name on them. They made me think of Jacob in heaven surrounded by peace and beauty. Thank you Anntionette for sending these to me.

Some days I feel like I am from a different planet. Like this whole world is just going around and I am somewhere in the middle. I almost feel like I am in another country and I don't know the language. I feel like pain and grief are all I know right now. I can't think or talk about anything else. When I am with people I feel like a stranger. No one makes me feel this way, I just do. I am just not myself anymore. Ava and Yoshi make me happy. I feel comfortable and safe at home. I don't have to worry about getting hurt by things I hear or see.

I think I am feeling this way because the rest of the world is moving on. Its easier for everyone else to heal first. My loss is still fresh though. I still think about Jacob nearly every minute of the day. Mother's day is coming and I am a mother with 1 less child. I am grateful for what I have, but I should have more. Just because my child didn't survive doesn't mean I am less grateful for the other. That's actually a ridiculous thought. Its like saying, "You lost your mom, so you should just be grateful you have your dad." You were always grateful you had your father. You didn't need to lose your mother to be grateful.

Today is just a difficult day. Not everyday is like this. I have actually felt pretty good the last few weeks. I think I am moving forward. I can certainly see a glimmer of hope now. Holidays are just so hard, mother's day especially. I think I am feeling the stress of the anticipation of the holiday. And now that the rest of the world is moving on without me, I feel more alone than ever. I guess that's why I feel like I am from a different planet today.

I know I'll make it through this. I've already survived 12 weeks. I've just got to remind myself to continue to take one day at a time. I can't get too ahead of myself.

A basketcase

I ask myself constantly, how am I ever going to get through this? Sometimes I am ok, but other days I am not. I go from being ok, to angry, to sad, to bitter and then back again. I feel like my life is a roller coaster of emotions. I never know how I am going to react to any given situation. Sometimes I can talk about Jacob with absolute joy. I really love it when that happens. Other days I can't talk about him at all. The days I am angry I often try to find some one to focus my anger on. I have no one to be angry at. This is no ones fault. So I get mad at people for having babies or being pregnant or taking their lives and children for granted. Life is just going on without Jacob. Babies who weren't even thought of when he was conceived are being born everyday and he is not. He will never be here. Sometimes this makes me really mad and I can't help myself. I hope that one day I won't feel these bitter feelings.

Its hard to have these feelings and no one around you understands. It bothers me when people minimize my loss. Like when people say, "At least you didn't bring him home only for him to die days later" or "At least he didn't suffer" Well who the hell says he was going to suffer? There was NOTHING wrong with him.

Its hard to keep these things to myself. Its hard to feel these angry, bitter, resentful feelings. I feel guilty for being angry and jealous of what others have. I have never been jealous in my life. I really don't think I have ever wanted something more than what I have. Not of this magnitude anyway. And if I have ever been jealous, I have never been ANGRY about it. I am a mother of two but I only have one child with me. Its not fair. I did everything right, why did this happen to us!?

I know that time will help this. I remind myself everyday that this will get easier. I hope that this experience will make me a better person. I can totally see how this kind of experience can harden a person or destroy a family. I am determined not to let that become my life. I don't feel like I can move on from these bitter feelings unless I get them out. So here they are!!

Thank you for letting me vent and get some of these things off my chest. I have been a part of an awsome support group and a network of other mothers who have similar experiences. They all understand because they feel a lot of the same feelings. I want to share these things with my "pre-loss" friends as well because I know you all care. and also mostly so you don't think I am a basketcase!

Made up memories

Life will never be the same without Jacob. Easter was so difficult. It should have been a joyous celebration. Easter brings the hope and promise that we will have eternal life and that I will be with Jacob in heaven again one day. So why can't I be happy? Why can't I be grateful for this promise? Its not enough. I should have had more time with him. If I had even 5 minutes to hold him and see him breathe and kiss him and tell him how much I love him, I might not feel so cheated. I could at least be grateful for the few minutes I had with him.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant with Jacob he began to fit into my life. I would envision our future with the 4 of us. I figured Easter would be my first Sunday back in church with all my family. I was going to dress Jacob up in some preppy little man outfit that Yoshi would have a fit about. We were going to be so happy. I imagined Jacob having cake long before Ava ever got it because he would be here for Ava's 2nd birthday. I thought about how Jacob would learn how to tear into presents come Christmas time. He would learn all these things so much sooner than Ava did because he would have his big sister to look up to. It sucks when the only memories you have of your loved one are the memories you made up.

I wish I had more memories of Jacob. I tried so hard to memorize his face after he was born. I spent the 2 hours I held him just looking at him. I knew then 2 hours would fade in a lifetime. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I did when I was pregnant with him. These are real memories. Whenever Yoshi and I talk about things we did in the last year I always like to mention, "when i was pregnant with Jacob" It makes me feel good to think about him and talk about him because he was with us. Those are the memories I want to hold onto forever.