A basketcase

I ask myself constantly, how am I ever going to get through this? Sometimes I am ok, but other days I am not. I go from being ok, to angry, to sad, to bitter and then back again. I feel like my life is a roller coaster of emotions. I never know how I am going to react to any given situation. Sometimes I can talk about Jacob with absolute joy. I really love it when that happens. Other days I can't talk about him at all. The days I am angry I often try to find some one to focus my anger on. I have no one to be angry at. This is no ones fault. So I get mad at people for having babies or being pregnant or taking their lives and children for granted. Life is just going on without Jacob. Babies who weren't even thought of when he was conceived are being born everyday and he is not. He will never be here. Sometimes this makes me really mad and I can't help myself. I hope that one day I won't feel these bitter feelings.

Its hard to have these feelings and no one around you understands. It bothers me when people minimize my loss. Like when people say, "At least you didn't bring him home only for him to die days later" or "At least he didn't suffer" Well who the hell says he was going to suffer? There was NOTHING wrong with him.

Its hard to keep these things to myself. Its hard to feel these angry, bitter, resentful feelings. I feel guilty for being angry and jealous of what others have. I have never been jealous in my life. I really don't think I have ever wanted something more than what I have. Not of this magnitude anyway. And if I have ever been jealous, I have never been ANGRY about it. I am a mother of two but I only have one child with me. Its not fair. I did everything right, why did this happen to us!?

I know that time will help this. I remind myself everyday that this will get easier. I hope that this experience will make me a better person. I can totally see how this kind of experience can harden a person or destroy a family. I am determined not to let that become my life. I don't feel like I can move on from these bitter feelings unless I get them out. So here they are!!

Thank you for letting me vent and get some of these things off my chest. I have been a part of an awsome support group and a network of other mothers who have similar experiences. They all understand because they feel a lot of the same feelings. I want to share these things with my "pre-loss" friends as well because I know you all care. and also mostly so you don't think I am a basketcase!

Made up memories

Life will never be the same without Jacob. Easter was so difficult. It should have been a joyous celebration. Easter brings the hope and promise that we will have eternal life and that I will be with Jacob in heaven again one day. So why can't I be happy? Why can't I be grateful for this promise? Its not enough. I should have had more time with him. If I had even 5 minutes to hold him and see him breathe and kiss him and tell him how much I love him, I might not feel so cheated. I could at least be grateful for the few minutes I had with him.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant with Jacob he began to fit into my life. I would envision our future with the 4 of us. I figured Easter would be my first Sunday back in church with all my family. I was going to dress Jacob up in some preppy little man outfit that Yoshi would have a fit about. We were going to be so happy. I imagined Jacob having cake long before Ava ever got it because he would be here for Ava's 2nd birthday. I thought about how Jacob would learn how to tear into presents come Christmas time. He would learn all these things so much sooner than Ava did because he would have his big sister to look up to. It sucks when the only memories you have of your loved one are the memories you made up.

I wish I had more memories of Jacob. I tried so hard to memorize his face after he was born. I spent the 2 hours I held him just looking at him. I knew then 2 hours would fade in a lifetime. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I did when I was pregnant with him. These are real memories. Whenever Yoshi and I talk about things we did in the last year I always like to mention, "when i was pregnant with Jacob" It makes me feel good to think about him and talk about him because he was with us. Those are the memories I want to hold onto forever.

Accepting it

Jacob would be 6 weeks old this week. I've spent a lot of time looking at the pictures of Ava at 6 weeks old. I look at them and think about Jacob and what he would be like by now. He would have changed so much in just 6 weeks. We would probably be exhausted by now from the lack of sleep. Instead I lay in bed at night with nothing but time. Night time is the hardest part. I can pack my day full of activities to keep my mind busy but it never fails. Night time always comes and all I can do is lay there and think about everything that has happened. I've decided that I can't question too much. The more I question, the more I feel my faith slipping. The only thing I can do is believe. I have to believe and have faith that I will see Jacob again one day. I have no other choice.


I try not to feel guilty but its so hard. I took every part of my pregnancy with Jacob and Ava for granted. I never thought things wouldn't work out. I was always nervous of an early miscarriage, but as soon as I hit 13 weeks I went crazy telling friends of our news, buying baby clothes and picking out the nursery. When you get pregnant you think, "I am going to have a baby!" you never think, "I might get a baby." With Ava I was working, so I had time to sit down an feel her kick and move. With Jacob, I was always chasing around Ava so I never sat down and felt him kick. He moved all the time so it was almost like I tuned it out. I had no idea those kicks would be some of the only moments I would spent with my baby boy. I was so nervous about taking care of two little ones at home by myself all day. I would complain how hard it was to be pregnant with a toddler. Its hard not to feel guilt when I think about these things. I complained and I took everything for granted. God blessed me with Jacob. I should have been thanking him everyday and praying everything would work out. I should have been thanking Him for giving me such a healthy little girl and I should have been grateful she was so active! God didn't have to give me either child. I guess I'll just have to make up for it now. I can promise a day won't go by that I won't thank Him for both Ava and Jacob.

People like to give you lots of advice when you have a tragedy. Some of it's good and some of it is NOT good. One thing many people have told me is that this will strengthen my relationship with God. At first, I couldn't imagine how losing my son would strengthen it. I was resentful and full of questions that couldn't be answered. Every night I pray and God is not answering. How on earth is this helping my relationship with God? I don't know what happened but the other night while I was praying I just had this feeling come over me. Its like all the sudden I really believed Jacob was in Heaven. How can I be angry with God? He is with Jacob. I should be thankful He is with my son and taking care of him. I can't possibly be angry with God when he is closest to Jacob. I knew Jacob was in Heaven but I guess I hadn't really accepted it until now. He is not here on earth and he never will be. I guess this is all part of accepting his death. I am so grateful that we have eternal life and that one day I will get to see Jacob again. I just hope he recognizes us since he never got to see Yoshi or me.

Surviving

Its already been 1 month since we lost Jacob. It feels like it was yesterday and yet it feels like its been an eternity. I have felt every single minute that has passed but they all run together like a giant blur. I haven't had the courage to blog since I wrote that letter to Jacob. It's probably because I haven't had any positive things to say about all of this. I have spent the last month in unimaginable grief and anger. I have felt angry and guilty with myself and angry with God. These feelings come and go. I know that there isn't anything I wouldn't have done to save my son, and its selfish to believe God has done these things to me. I literally have to remind myself every single day of this. As grim as this all sounds, we haven't died yet, so I guess we are surviving.

We received the results of all the labs and testing that was done. I am healthy and Jacob was perfect. The cause of death was listed as chorioamniotis, which basically means he died of an infection. This really doesn't explain how or why, nor does it even prove he died of an infection. The infection could have set in after he died. It really doesn't make sense that he died of infection because I was never sick. I do not believe that was the cause of his death. It really just leaves us with more questions.

The results are bittersweet. I am grateful and relieved that I am healthy, and that there was nothing I did that killed my son. I am heartbroken that Jacob died for no apparent reason and was perfect. He would have been just like Ava, a healthy baby. At least now I am not waiting by the phone in agony for answers. I am never going to know more than I know today. I think now I can move forward in my grief instead of constantly wondering and looking back on what has happened.

Dear Jacob,

I've missed you every minute of every day since you've been gone. Daddy and I were so excited about your arrival. Everyday we were planning and getting ready for you. I had daddy on a new list of "to dos" every weekend. Ava has asked about you. She used to poke on you while you were in my tummy, and she would kiss and hug you. I showed her your picture and she kissed it. She loves you very much. It breaks my heart that you won't get to grow up with your big sister. It makes me sad to know we won't ever see you roll on your tummy, crawl, take your first steps or say your first words. We won't get to see you grow up to be a big boy, play football with your daddy or attend your first day of kindergarten. We will miss out on so many things. A lifetime. You never saw me, your dad or your sister. You never saw any of the friends and family who love you so much. Your life was so short, you never even got to take a breath. Just becuase your life was short, Angel, doesn't mean it was insignificant. You gave us so much joy and excitement. All of us were so thrilled about you. You gave us the vision of our family. That we could be more than 3, and one day we will be. The 9 months I carried you were the happiest months of my life. I am grateful I was with you every day of your life. I cared for you, fed you and kept you safe all that time. I held you in my arms for hours after you were born, until I had to let you go. You were with your momma every day of your life. I am so grateful for that. I want you to know that although you are no longer in momma's arms, you are in my heart always and will be forever. Until we meet again and I can hold you in my arms. I look forward to that day again. Until then, I will take care of your sister and daddy and you will be in their hearts as well. I will thank God everyday of my life for blessing mine with yours. Not only did you bring joy and hope to our lives, but you gave so many others another reason to be grateful for their healthy babies and children. You showed us there are worse things in life than an argument with daddy or an empty checking account. You've changed our lives forever. And as heartbreaking as it is to lose you, I am glad God blessed us with you. If I had known what was going to happen, I would have had you anyway. Because I couldn't imagine my life without you sweet boy. I couldn't imagine never having known your love.