Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Ok, I am the worst blogger on Earth

Its been since August that I've made an entry. This is pitiful. Its been a hard thing to do. The last few months have been busy ones with a new business (musikgarten) and Ava's school and just life in general. Its hard to believe Thanksgiving is only a few days away.

Jacob is on my mind every day. This year has been an interesting journey. I have a son in heaven who would be 9 months old. He would be sitting in a high chair at Thanksgiving probably making a giant mess with mashed potatoes. I've got a 2 year old who is going on 15 right now. I heard her tell an older boy the other day she was 3. Its already started. And now I've got a rainbow on the way.

I wanted to get pregnant right away. When I lost Jacob I asked my doctor before we left the hospital when I could try again. I looked at Yoshi and said, "I want to try as soon as we can!" He assured me we'd do whatever we could. At that time it was total desperation. But a few months passed and the time came it I wasn't so sure my heart was ready. As usual, we were blessed right away. The first trimester was total hell. We didn't tell our families until we were 15 weeks. I was petrified every moment that I wasn't pregnant anymore. My sweet doctor saw me constantly for reassurance. I promised myself I wouldn't buy this baby a thing until he was here. I wouldn't wash any clothes or buy any diapers. I wouldn't get too "attached."

That is really a strange idea though. How do you not get attached to your child? I mean, this isn't a puppy we are talking about. So the second trimester came and we found out we are having another boy. Ava is so happy, she actually predicted it was a brother! Yoshi is thrilled again. I am terrified and excited to have a chance to bring home another boy.

Its hard not to get excited an optimistic. Everything is normal so far as it was with Jacob. Part of me wants a normal pregnancy. I want to be thrilled and planning a nursery and picking out clothes. I want to have no doubt. At first I didn't want to do a thing, but why shouldn't I plan and make things special for this one? Because I don't want to get my hopes up? Will keeping this all to myself make it easier if I lose him too? I don't think so. I think if I didn't try and make things special for him I would regret it.

Grief is such an interesting thing. Especially where I am right now. I can have really good days. I can be completely overwhelmed with joy one minute and back down the next. Its kind of funny because you never quite know what it is going to be that gets you. Yesterday I saw some family pictures of a friend with her family of four. I just got sad and angry. That should be my family, and even when it is my family I will always be one short. My life will never be complete.

I feel like I am living with this. I don't want too, but I don't really have a choice. So I've been thinking about making a family blog instead of a Jacob blog (since I am so good at blogging in the first place lol) I want to share all of my family. I want to put the good, bad and ugly all in one place.