Wednesday, April 21, 2010

A basketcase

I ask myself constantly, how am I ever going to get through this? Sometimes I am ok, but other days I am not. I go from being ok, to angry, to sad, to bitter and then back again. I feel like my life is a roller coaster of emotions. I never know how I am going to react to any given situation. Sometimes I can talk about Jacob with absolute joy. I really love it when that happens. Other days I can't talk about him at all. The days I am angry I often try to find some one to focus my anger on. I have no one to be angry at. This is no ones fault. So I get mad at people for having babies or being pregnant or taking their lives and children for granted. Life is just going on without Jacob. Babies who weren't even thought of when he was conceived are being born everyday and he is not. He will never be here. Sometimes this makes me really mad and I can't help myself. I hope that one day I won't feel these bitter feelings.

Its hard to have these feelings and no one around you understands. It bothers me when people minimize my loss. Like when people say, "At least you didn't bring him home only for him to die days later" or "At least he didn't suffer" Well who the hell says he was going to suffer? There was NOTHING wrong with him.

Its hard to keep these things to myself. Its hard to feel these angry, bitter, resentful feelings. I feel guilty for being angry and jealous of what others have. I have never been jealous in my life. I really don't think I have ever wanted something more than what I have. Not of this magnitude anyway. And if I have ever been jealous, I have never been ANGRY about it. I am a mother of two but I only have one child with me. Its not fair. I did everything right, why did this happen to us!?

I know that time will help this. I remind myself everyday that this will get easier. I hope that this experience will make me a better person. I can totally see how this kind of experience can harden a person or destroy a family. I am determined not to let that become my life. I don't feel like I can move on from these bitter feelings unless I get them out. So here they are!!

Thank you for letting me vent and get some of these things off my chest. I have been a part of an awsome support group and a network of other mothers who have similar experiences. They all understand because they feel a lot of the same feelings. I want to share these things with my "pre-loss" friends as well because I know you all care. and also mostly so you don't think I am a basketcase!

Friday, April 9, 2010

Made up memories

Life will never be the same without Jacob. Easter was so difficult. It should have been a joyous celebration. Easter brings the hope and promise that we will have eternal life and that I will be with Jacob in heaven again one day. So why can't I be happy? Why can't I be grateful for this promise? Its not enough. I should have had more time with him. If I had even 5 minutes to hold him and see him breathe and kiss him and tell him how much I love him, I might not feel so cheated. I could at least be grateful for the few minutes I had with him.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant with Jacob he began to fit into my life. I would envision our future with the 4 of us. I figured Easter would be my first Sunday back in church with all my family. I was going to dress Jacob up in some preppy little man outfit that Yoshi would have a fit about. We were going to be so happy. I imagined Jacob having cake long before Ava ever got it because he would be here for Ava's 2nd birthday. I thought about how Jacob would learn how to tear into presents come Christmas time. He would learn all these things so much sooner than Ava did because he would have his big sister to look up to. It sucks when the only memories you have of your loved one are the memories you made up.

I wish I had more memories of Jacob. I tried so hard to memorize his face after he was born. I spent the 2 hours I held him just looking at him. I knew then 2 hours would fade in a lifetime. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I did when I was pregnant with him. These are real memories. Whenever Yoshi and I talk about things we did in the last year I always like to mention, "when i was pregnant with Jacob" It makes me feel good to think about him and talk about him because he was with us. Those are the memories I want to hold onto forever.