Life will never be the same without Jacob. Easter was so difficult. It should have been a joyous celebration. Easter brings the hope and promise that we will have eternal life and that I will be with Jacob in heaven again one day. So why can't I be happy? Why can't I be grateful for this promise? Its not enough. I should have had more time with him. If I had even 5 minutes to hold him and see him breathe and kiss him and tell him how much I love him, I might not feel so cheated. I could at least be grateful for the few minutes I had with him.
From the moment I found out I was pregnant with Jacob he began to fit into my life. I would envision our future with the 4 of us. I figured Easter would be my first Sunday back in church with all my family. I was going to dress Jacob up in some preppy little man outfit that Yoshi would have a fit about. We were going to be so happy. I imagined Jacob having cake long before Ava ever got it because he would be here for Ava's 2nd birthday. I thought about how Jacob would learn how to tear into presents come Christmas time. He would learn all these things so much sooner than Ava did because he would have his big sister to look up to. It sucks when the only memories you have of your loved one are the memories you made up.
I wish I had more memories of Jacob. I tried so hard to memorize his face after he was born. I spent the 2 hours I held him just looking at him. I knew then 2 hours would fade in a lifetime. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I did when I was pregnant with him. These are real memories. Whenever Yoshi and I talk about things we did in the last year I always like to mention, "when i was pregnant with Jacob" It makes me feel good to think about him and talk about him because he was with us. Those are the memories I want to hold onto forever.