I ask myself constantly, how am I ever going to get through this? Sometimes I am ok, but other days I am not. I go from being ok, to angry, to sad, to bitter and then back again. I feel like my life is a roller coaster of emotions. I never know how I am going to react to any given situation. Sometimes I can talk about Jacob with absolute joy. I really love it when that happens. Other days I can't talk about him at all. The days I am angry I often try to find some one to focus my anger on. I have no one to be angry at. This is no ones fault. So I get mad at people for having babies or being pregnant or taking their lives and children for granted. Life is just going on without Jacob. Babies who weren't even thought of when he was conceived are being born everyday and he is not. He will never be here. Sometimes this makes me really mad and I can't help myself. I hope that one day I won't feel these bitter feelings.
Its hard to have these feelings and no one around you understands. It bothers me when people minimize my loss. Like when people say, "At least you didn't bring him home only for him to die days later" or "At least he didn't suffer" Well who the hell says he was going to suffer? There was NOTHING wrong with him.
Its hard to keep these things to myself. Its hard to feel these angry, bitter, resentful feelings. I feel guilty for being angry and jealous of what others have. I have never been jealous in my life. I really don't think I have ever wanted something more than what I have. Not of this magnitude anyway. And if I have ever been jealous, I have never been ANGRY about it. I am a mother of two but I only have one child with me. Its not fair. I did everything right, why did this happen to us!?
I know that time will help this. I remind myself everyday that this will get easier. I hope that this experience will make me a better person. I can totally see how this kind of experience can harden a person or destroy a family. I am determined not to let that become my life. I don't feel like I can move on from these bitter feelings unless I get them out. So here they are!!
Thank you for letting me vent and get some of these things off my chest. I have been a part of an awsome support group and a network of other mothers who have similar experiences. They all understand because they feel a lot of the same feelings. I want to share these things with my "pre-loss" friends as well because I know you all care. and also mostly so you don't think I am a basketcase!