Some days I feel like I am from a different planet. Like this whole world is just going around and I am somewhere in the middle. I almost feel like I am in another country and I don't know the language. I feel like pain and grief are all I know right now. I can't think or talk about anything else. When I am with people I feel like a stranger. No one makes me feel this way, I just do. I am just not myself anymore. Ava and Yoshi make me happy. I feel comfortable and safe at home. I don't have to worry about getting hurt by things I hear or see.
I think I am feeling this way because the rest of the world is moving on. Its easier for everyone else to heal first. My loss is still fresh though. I still think about Jacob nearly every minute of the day. Mother's day is coming and I am a mother with 1 less child. I am grateful for what I have, but I should have more. Just because my child didn't survive doesn't mean I am less grateful for the other. That's actually a ridiculous thought. Its like saying, "You lost your mom, so you should just be grateful you have your dad." You were always grateful you had your father. You didn't need to lose your mother to be grateful.
Today is just a difficult day. Not everyday is like this. I have actually felt pretty good the last few weeks. I think I am moving forward. I can certainly see a glimmer of hope now. Holidays are just so hard, mother's day especially. I think I am feeling the stress of the anticipation of the holiday. And now that the rest of the world is moving on without me, I feel more alone than ever. I guess that's why I feel like I am from a different planet today.
I know I'll make it through this. I've already survived 12 weeks. I've just got to remind myself to continue to take one day at a time. I can't get too ahead of myself.