Sunday, March 21, 2010

Accepting it

Jacob would be 6 weeks old this week. I've spent a lot of time looking at the pictures of Ava at 6 weeks old. I look at them and think about Jacob and what he would be like by now. He would have changed so much in just 6 weeks. We would probably be exhausted by now from the lack of sleep. Instead I lay in bed at night with nothing but time. Night time is the hardest part. I can pack my day full of activities to keep my mind busy but it never fails. Night time always comes and all I can do is lay there and think about everything that has happened. I've decided that I can't question too much. The more I question, the more I feel my faith slipping. The only thing I can do is believe. I have to believe and have faith that I will see Jacob again one day. I have no other choice.

I try not to feel guilty but its so hard. I took every part of my pregnancy with Jacob and Ava for granted. I never thought things wouldn't work out. I was always nervous of an early miscarriage, but as soon as I hit 13 weeks I went crazy telling friends of our news, buying baby clothes and picking out the nursery. When you get pregnant you think, "I am going to have a baby!" you never think, "I might get a baby." With Ava I was working, so I had time to sit down an feel her kick and move. With Jacob, I was always chasing around Ava so I never sat down and felt him kick. He moved all the time so it was almost like I tuned it out. I had no idea those kicks would be some of the only moments I would spent with my baby boy. I was so nervous about taking care of two little ones at home by myself all day. I would complain how hard it was to be pregnant with a toddler. Its hard not to feel guilt when I think about these things. I complained and I took everything for granted. God blessed me with Jacob. I should have been thanking him everyday and praying everything would work out. I should have been thanking Him for giving me such a healthy little girl and I should have been grateful she was so active! God didn't have to give me either child. I guess I'll just have to make up for it now. I can promise a day won't go by that I won't thank Him for both Ava and Jacob.

People like to give you lots of advice when you have a tragedy. Some of it's good and some of it is NOT good. One thing many people have told me is that this will strengthen my relationship with God. At first, I couldn't imagine how losing my son would strengthen it. I was resentful and full of questions that couldn't be answered. Every night I pray and God is not answering. How on earth is this helping my relationship with God? I don't know what happened but the other night while I was praying I just had this feeling come over me. Its like all the sudden I really believed Jacob was in Heaven. How can I be angry with God? He is with Jacob. I should be thankful He is with my son and taking care of him. I can't possibly be angry with God when he is closest to Jacob. I knew Jacob was in Heaven but I guess I hadn't really accepted it until now. He is not here on earth and he never will be. I guess this is all part of accepting his death. I am so grateful that we have eternal life and that one day I will get to see Jacob again. I just hope he recognizes us since he never got to see Yoshi or me.

Friday, March 12, 2010


Its already been 1 month since we lost Jacob. It feels like it was yesterday and yet it feels like its been an eternity. I have felt every single minute that has passed but they all run together like a giant blur. I haven't had the courage to blog since I wrote that letter to Jacob. It's probably because I haven't had any positive things to say about all of this. I have spent the last month in unimaginable grief and anger. I have felt angry and guilty with myself and angry with God. These feelings come and go. I know that there isn't anything I wouldn't have done to save my son, and its selfish to believe God has done these things to me. I literally have to remind myself every single day of this. As grim as this all sounds, we haven't died yet, so I guess we are surviving.

We received the results of all the labs and testing that was done. I am healthy and Jacob was perfect. The cause of death was listed as chorioamniotis, which basically means he died of an infection. This really doesn't explain how or why, nor does it even prove he died of an infection. The infection could have set in after he died. It really doesn't make sense that he died of infection because I was never sick. I do not believe that was the cause of his death. It really just leaves us with more questions.

The results are bittersweet. I am grateful and relieved that I am healthy, and that there was nothing I did that killed my son. I am heartbroken that Jacob died for no apparent reason and was perfect. He would have been just like Ava, a healthy baby. At least now I am not waiting by the phone in agony for answers. I am never going to know more than I know today. I think now I can move forward in my grief instead of constantly wondering and looking back on what has happened.