Sunday, March 21, 2010

Accepting it

Jacob would be 6 weeks old this week. I've spent a lot of time looking at the pictures of Ava at 6 weeks old. I look at them and think about Jacob and what he would be like by now. He would have changed so much in just 6 weeks. We would probably be exhausted by now from the lack of sleep. Instead I lay in bed at night with nothing but time. Night time is the hardest part. I can pack my day full of activities to keep my mind busy but it never fails. Night time always comes and all I can do is lay there and think about everything that has happened. I've decided that I can't question too much. The more I question, the more I feel my faith slipping. The only thing I can do is believe. I have to believe and have faith that I will see Jacob again one day. I have no other choice.

I try not to feel guilty but its so hard. I took every part of my pregnancy with Jacob and Ava for granted. I never thought things wouldn't work out. I was always nervous of an early miscarriage, but as soon as I hit 13 weeks I went crazy telling friends of our news, buying baby clothes and picking out the nursery. When you get pregnant you think, "I am going to have a baby!" you never think, "I might get a baby." With Ava I was working, so I had time to sit down an feel her kick and move. With Jacob, I was always chasing around Ava so I never sat down and felt him kick. He moved all the time so it was almost like I tuned it out. I had no idea those kicks would be some of the only moments I would spent with my baby boy. I was so nervous about taking care of two little ones at home by myself all day. I would complain how hard it was to be pregnant with a toddler. Its hard not to feel guilt when I think about these things. I complained and I took everything for granted. God blessed me with Jacob. I should have been thanking him everyday and praying everything would work out. I should have been thanking Him for giving me such a healthy little girl and I should have been grateful she was so active! God didn't have to give me either child. I guess I'll just have to make up for it now. I can promise a day won't go by that I won't thank Him for both Ava and Jacob.

People like to give you lots of advice when you have a tragedy. Some of it's good and some of it is NOT good. One thing many people have told me is that this will strengthen my relationship with God. At first, I couldn't imagine how losing my son would strengthen it. I was resentful and full of questions that couldn't be answered. Every night I pray and God is not answering. How on earth is this helping my relationship with God? I don't know what happened but the other night while I was praying I just had this feeling come over me. Its like all the sudden I really believed Jacob was in Heaven. How can I be angry with God? He is with Jacob. I should be thankful He is with my son and taking care of him. I can't possibly be angry with God when he is closest to Jacob. I knew Jacob was in Heaven but I guess I hadn't really accepted it until now. He is not here on earth and he never will be. I guess this is all part of accepting his death. I am so grateful that we have eternal life and that one day I will get to see Jacob again. I just hope he recognizes us since he never got to see Yoshi or me.


  1. I know Jacob will know you by your love. No doubt about it. Thank you for the reminder to give thanks for my toddler that sometimes drives me up the walls and for the reminder to take time to enjoy pregnancy instead of wishing for the end result just because I'm uncomfortable or tired. Still thinking of you and your family. Love -- The Heatherly's