Jacob would be 6 weeks old this week. I've spent a lot of time looking at the pictures of Ava at 6 weeks old. I look at them and think about Jacob and what he would be like by now. He would have changed so much in just 6 weeks. We would probably be exhausted by now from the lack of sleep. Instead I lay in bed at night with nothing but time. Night time is the hardest part. I can pack my day full of activities to keep my mind busy but it never fails. Night time always comes and all I can do is lay there and think about everything that has happened. I've decided that I can't question too much. The more I question, the more I feel my faith slipping. The only thing I can do is believe. I have to believe and have faith that I will see Jacob again one day. I have no other choice.
I try not to feel guilty but its so hard. I took every part of my pregnancy with Jacob and Ava for granted. I never thought things wouldn't work out. I was always nervous of an early miscarriage, but as soon as I hit 13 weeks I went crazy telling friends of our news, buying baby clothes and picking out the nursery. When you get pregnant you think, "I am going to have a baby!" you never think, "I might get a baby." With Ava I was working, so I had time to sit down an feel her kick and move. With Jacob, I was always chasing around Ava so I never sat down and felt him kick. He moved all the time so it was almost like I tuned it out. I had no idea those kicks would be some of the only moments I would spent with my baby boy. I was so nervous about taking care of two little ones at home by myself all day. I would complain how hard it was to be pregnant with a toddler. Its hard not to feel guilt when I think about these things. I complained and I took everything for granted. God blessed me with Jacob. I should have been thanking him everyday and praying everything would work out. I should have been thanking Him for giving me such a healthy little girl and I should have been grateful she was so active! God didn't have to give me either child. I guess I'll just have to make up for it now. I can promise a day won't go by that I won't thank Him for both Ava and Jacob.
People like to give you lots of advice when you have a tragedy. Some of it's good and some of it is NOT good. One thing many people have told me is that this will strengthen my relationship with God. At first, I couldn't imagine how losing my son would strengthen it. I was resentful and full of questions that couldn't be answered. Every night I pray and God is not answering. How on earth is this helping my relationship with God? I don't know what happened but the other night while I was praying I just had this feeling come over me. Its like all the sudden I really believed Jacob was in Heaven. How can I be angry with God? He is with Jacob. I should be thankful He is with my son and taking care of him. I can't possibly be angry with God when he is closest to Jacob. I knew Jacob was in Heaven but I guess I hadn't really accepted it until now. He is not here on earth and he never will be. I guess this is all part of accepting his death. I am so grateful that we have eternal life and that one day I will get to see Jacob again. I just hope he recognizes us since he never got to see Yoshi or me.