Surviving

Its already been 1 month since we lost Jacob. It feels like it was yesterday and yet it feels like its been an eternity. I have felt every single minute that has passed but they all run together like a giant blur. I haven't had the courage to blog since I wrote that letter to Jacob. It's probably because I haven't had any positive things to say about all of this. I have spent the last month in unimaginable grief and anger. I have felt angry and guilty with myself and angry with God. These feelings come and go. I know that there isn't anything I wouldn't have done to save my son, and its selfish to believe God has done these things to me. I literally have to remind myself every single day of this. As grim as this all sounds, we haven't died yet, so I guess we are surviving.

We received the results of all the labs and testing that was done. I am healthy and Jacob was perfect. The cause of death was listed as chorioamniotis, which basically means he died of an infection. This really doesn't explain how or why, nor does it even prove he died of an infection. The infection could have set in after he died. It really doesn't make sense that he died of infection because I was never sick. I do not believe that was the cause of his death. It really just leaves us with more questions.

The results are bittersweet. I am grateful and relieved that I am healthy, and that there was nothing I did that killed my son. I am heartbroken that Jacob died for no apparent reason and was perfect. He would have been just like Ava, a healthy baby. At least now I am not waiting by the phone in agony for answers. I am never going to know more than I know today. I think now I can move forward in my grief instead of constantly wondering and looking back on what has happened.