Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I want to be happy again

I so want to be happy again. I'm really, really trying. I love my family so much and I've been blessed but I've just got this whole in my heart. It hurts everytime I see a new baby. It hurts when Ava plays with her baby doll. It hurts when I see a little boy. I don't think there will ever be a day when it doesn't hurt.

I just can't believe this is my life. Last night I was listening to a sermon and he was telling a group of newly ordained elders what they would have to deal with during their ministry. They would have to deal with difficult situations. LIke being there for couples as they get married yet having to counsel couples through a divorce. Then he mentioned that they will be there to celebrate the birth of babies, but they may also have to help a family when they have to bury their infant. When he mentioned this the congregation gasped. It was a powerful message but when he mentioned the death of a baby it grabs at everyone's heart. All I could do was sit there and cry because that is my life. The death of a baby is too gruesome for anyone to imagine but that is my life. That is our family. One sweet baby girl on earth and a son in heaven and it will always be this way.

I've got to find a way to live with this pain and be happy again. I can make it through most days without a tear, but my heart is still broken. I don't really care about anything anymore except for my family. All I want to do is stay home and be with my family every minute because they are so precious to me and I don't know if they'll be taken away. Its a terrible fear to live with and I can't control any of it.

My sweet boy would be 4 months old today. I wish he were here, I miss him so much. I had to take his beautiful picture off of here because some sick pshyco on facebook was stealing angel baby pictures and posting hateful things about them on her page. So to protect by little boy, i had to take it down.

Thursday, June 3, 2010


I wish that 4 months was enough time for me. It seems as though the rest of the world is just moving on as planned and my life is still stuck in this twilight zone. Losing Jacob is still very fresh for me. At first everyone was mindful of my feelings but now its just like nothing ever happened. Maybe for everyone else 4 months is enough time to move on.

Some days I can be hopeful and look forward to the future. I really feel like I've been having a better time with things lately. I can see that I am healing in some ways. I can talk about Jacob without crying. I can think of him in heaven in a positive way. But then a day will hit me and I just go back to WHY. WHY WHY WHY US!? Why did my son have to die? Why do worthless piece of shit families who have no business having kids in the first place, living on welfare and social security, who keep having kids for the sole purpose of another damn government check get the privilege of having a healthy baby and my son had to die? Its so damn unfair how can I not be bitter and pissed?

I want Jacob. Even if I have another baby, it won't be Jacob. No one ever will be. I want another child so Ava can have a sibling to grow up with but no one will ever be Jacob and no one will ever replace him or heal my heart. Another baby won't make things easier. People say that and its just not true. I will never have my beautiful Jacob and there is nothing in the world that can bring him back or make me feel better. Except for time, and I am sorry, 4 months just isn't long enough.