Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I want to be happy again

I so want to be happy again. I'm really, really trying. I love my family so much and I've been blessed but I've just got this whole in my heart. It hurts everytime I see a new baby. It hurts when Ava plays with her baby doll. It hurts when I see a little boy. I don't think there will ever be a day when it doesn't hurt.

I just can't believe this is my life. Last night I was listening to a sermon and he was telling a group of newly ordained elders what they would have to deal with during their ministry. They would have to deal with difficult situations. LIke being there for couples as they get married yet having to counsel couples through a divorce. Then he mentioned that they will be there to celebrate the birth of babies, but they may also have to help a family when they have to bury their infant. When he mentioned this the congregation gasped. It was a powerful message but when he mentioned the death of a baby it grabs at everyone's heart. All I could do was sit there and cry because that is my life. The death of a baby is too gruesome for anyone to imagine but that is my life. That is our family. One sweet baby girl on earth and a son in heaven and it will always be this way.

I've got to find a way to live with this pain and be happy again. I can make it through most days without a tear, but my heart is still broken. I don't really care about anything anymore except for my family. All I want to do is stay home and be with my family every minute because they are so precious to me and I don't know if they'll be taken away. Its a terrible fear to live with and I can't control any of it.

My sweet boy would be 4 months old today. I wish he were here, I miss him so much. I had to take his beautiful picture off of here because some sick pshyco on facebook was stealing angel baby pictures and posting hateful things about them on her page. So to protect by little boy, i had to take it down.


  1. I wish so much that you could be happy again. I understand what you are saying about your heart still being broken. (((HUGS)))

  2. I think of you and your family often but never feel like I have the right words to say. I can't imagine the hurt you feel but I pray for the return of some happiness and "normalcy" to your life and family. Love in IIKE.

  3. I hope so much you can find the happiness again too. You deserve it; you are a wonderful wife, mother, and friend. I am praying that day will come soon when you can feel happiness and joy in your heart.

  4. Thank you Kari, You don't have to have the right words to say. Just knowing that you still care and think about us gives me more comfort than you can imagine. I feel so alone with this pain because it feels like the rest of the world has moved on. Thank you so much for still caring.

    Diana: You are all the same. You are my saving grace. I hope you and I and maggie have peace in our hearts soon.

  5. Oh Sarah,
    I'm so sorry for all of your pain. I understand what you mean about it not being fair. I actually still think about it a lot too. I wonder why this grief had to be brought upon such wonderful people, who deserve nothing but the best.

    I couldn't believe when that speaker said that at the ordination service. I literally wanted to take him out. I just hated the thought of you being in OUR church, during a ridiculously long service, having to be reminded of that excruciating pain.

    I haven't forgotten, I love you guys