Thursday, June 3, 2010


I wish that 4 months was enough time for me. It seems as though the rest of the world is just moving on as planned and my life is still stuck in this twilight zone. Losing Jacob is still very fresh for me. At first everyone was mindful of my feelings but now its just like nothing ever happened. Maybe for everyone else 4 months is enough time to move on.

Some days I can be hopeful and look forward to the future. I really feel like I've been having a better time with things lately. I can see that I am healing in some ways. I can talk about Jacob without crying. I can think of him in heaven in a positive way. But then a day will hit me and I just go back to WHY. WHY WHY WHY US!? Why did my son have to die? Why do worthless piece of shit families who have no business having kids in the first place, living on welfare and social security, who keep having kids for the sole purpose of another damn government check get the privilege of having a healthy baby and my son had to die? Its so damn unfair how can I not be bitter and pissed?

I want Jacob. Even if I have another baby, it won't be Jacob. No one ever will be. I want another child so Ava can have a sibling to grow up with but no one will ever be Jacob and no one will ever replace him or heal my heart. Another baby won't make things easier. People say that and its just not true. I will never have my beautiful Jacob and there is nothing in the world that can bring him back or make me feel better. Except for time, and I am sorry, 4 months just isn't long enough.

1 comment:

  1. oh sweetie i feel EXACTLY the same way...which is so hard for us to understand how OTHERS dont understand...i keep using the example of if your arm fell off can you get THAT arm back? NO, even a prostetic wont be THAT may ease your days and make you grateful to use again, but it WONT be that one gets it....4 months?? that is peanuts in our life. People make me "wish" it was just a few weeks so that I am not looked at as a dweller....its so sad and lonely...but im here for you ALWAYS...Jacob is in my heart too xoxo