Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Dear Jacob

I can't believe its been 13 weeks since I held your for the first and last time. I miss you so much. I finally put your picture up in my bedroom. So now every night I get to see your beautiful face instead of imagining it in my mind. We are surviving with out you. Its not much fun but we have to do what we have to do. Some days I wish I could just join you in heaven, but I know I am still needed here. I am trying to make the best I can without you. Your nursery is still ready for you. I haven't had the heart to take your letters off the wall but I know its coming. I wish I could tell you that we are all here doing well and we are happy, but I can't say that. We just miss you so much everyday. I just wanted you to know how much I love you and I've been praying that God will kiss you for me every night since I don't get to. I don't have to worry too much about you because I know you are safe and loved where you are. You are in my heart and on my mind everyday. Mommy loves you.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Sleepless Night

Well I've just laid in bed for 2 hours and nothing is happening. This might be an ambien night. Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I knew mother's day was going to be difficult so I worked myself up all week worrying about how it was going to go. I had decided I wasn't going to church service. Then this morning I woke up and it wasn't so bad. I wanted to go to church, so I went. Yoshi did everything he could to make my day special. He "made" breakfast so I didn't have to cook. (He picked up donuts lol) He did the dishes all day long. He and Ava gave me a beautiful butterfly charm for my bracelet. Ava decorated a sweet mother's day card and Yoshi wrote nice words on the inside. My brilliant baby girl even counted to 10! Yoshi encouraged me all day. He was sweet and bragged about how great I was at being a mother and how he was glad I wasn't working anymore. He thanked me for working so hard all the time to keep the house clean and cook yummy meals. Yoshi also hung a shelf in our bedroom where we were finally able to put Jacob's picture and urn. I was glad to finally have pictures of my baby boy up. He finished the day off by giving Ava a bath and cleaning up! It was pretty much a dream day. A wonderful day with my family and a pretty awesome husband taking care of me.

So at the end of the day, I find myself laying in bed feeling so incomplete. There is just a part of me that is not here. My Jacob. I feel like he has taken a part of my heart with him. I don't know if I will ever feel completely happy again. I know that time will help heal. It already has in many ways. I am so much better than I was 13 weeks ago. 13 weeks ago tomorrow was the day my world fell apart. It was the day I saw panic in my doctor's eyes as she desperately tried to find his heartbeat. I'll never forget one minute of that day. I'll never forget the utter helplessness, despair, unimaginable pain I was in. I am far from that today. I feel like I have come so far but I am no where close to feeling resolved. I honestly feel like it will be years if it ever happens for me. I don't know if I'll ever feel %100 again.

I am so grateful that Yoshi and Ava tried so hard to get me through the day. It could have been so much worse. Unfortunately, as hard as Yoshi tries, he can't take the pain away. This was my first mother's day as a mom of 2 and I've only got 1 baby here. There were these book marks in the church bulletin for everyone today. They were really nice and on them the words read, "Mother's hold their children's hands for a short time, and hold their hearts for ever" It nearly ripped my heart out. My time was cut so short. I only got to hold his hand once. I can remember wrapping his sweet little hand over my finger. That was it, that was the only time I got to hold his hand. Now I've got to hold him in my heart until I get to see him again. I wish I could hold him again now. I wish I didn't have to wait. I hate this so much, I don't want to wait!!!!!

I hate that this hole is going to be there for the rest of my life. I'll always have one less face in our family pictures. I'll always have one less stocking on the mantle at Christmas. I'll always have one less sweetheart to rock at night. Everyday is a struggle, but the events and holidays are even harder. I don't know if I'll ever feel truly happy again. I hope I will, but right now it just seems impossible.

To keep my spirits up today I stayed off my support group. I knew today would be a difficult day for mothers like me and I figured most posts would be sad poems or angry vents. I just wasn't up for it today. I managed to check my email though and a very sweet fellow angel mommy sent me these beautiful images with Jacob's name on them. They made me think of Jacob in heaven surrounded by peace and beauty. Thank you Anntionette for sending these to me.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Some days I feel like I am from a different planet. Like this whole world is just going around and I am somewhere in the middle. I almost feel like I am in another country and I don't know the language. I feel like pain and grief are all I know right now. I can't think or talk about anything else. When I am with people I feel like a stranger. No one makes me feel this way, I just do. I am just not myself anymore. Ava and Yoshi make me happy. I feel comfortable and safe at home. I don't have to worry about getting hurt by things I hear or see.

I think I am feeling this way because the rest of the world is moving on. Its easier for everyone else to heal first. My loss is still fresh though. I still think about Jacob nearly every minute of the day. Mother's day is coming and I am a mother with 1 less child. I am grateful for what I have, but I should have more. Just because my child didn't survive doesn't mean I am less grateful for the other. That's actually a ridiculous thought. Its like saying, "You lost your mom, so you should just be grateful you have your dad." You were always grateful you had your father. You didn't need to lose your mother to be grateful.

Today is just a difficult day. Not everyday is like this. I have actually felt pretty good the last few weeks. I think I am moving forward. I can certainly see a glimmer of hope now. Holidays are just so hard, mother's day especially. I think I am feeling the stress of the anticipation of the holiday. And now that the rest of the world is moving on without me, I feel more alone than ever. I guess that's why I feel like I am from a different planet today.

I know I'll make it through this. I've already survived 12 weeks. I've just got to remind myself to continue to take one day at a time. I can't get too ahead of myself.