Sunday, May 9, 2010

Sleepless Night

Well I've just laid in bed for 2 hours and nothing is happening. This might be an ambien night. Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I knew mother's day was going to be difficult so I worked myself up all week worrying about how it was going to go. I had decided I wasn't going to church service. Then this morning I woke up and it wasn't so bad. I wanted to go to church, so I went. Yoshi did everything he could to make my day special. He "made" breakfast so I didn't have to cook. (He picked up donuts lol) He did the dishes all day long. He and Ava gave me a beautiful butterfly charm for my bracelet. Ava decorated a sweet mother's day card and Yoshi wrote nice words on the inside. My brilliant baby girl even counted to 10! Yoshi encouraged me all day. He was sweet and bragged about how great I was at being a mother and how he was glad I wasn't working anymore. He thanked me for working so hard all the time to keep the house clean and cook yummy meals. Yoshi also hung a shelf in our bedroom where we were finally able to put Jacob's picture and urn. I was glad to finally have pictures of my baby boy up. He finished the day off by giving Ava a bath and cleaning up! It was pretty much a dream day. A wonderful day with my family and a pretty awesome husband taking care of me.

So at the end of the day, I find myself laying in bed feeling so incomplete. There is just a part of me that is not here. My Jacob. I feel like he has taken a part of my heart with him. I don't know if I will ever feel completely happy again. I know that time will help heal. It already has in many ways. I am so much better than I was 13 weeks ago. 13 weeks ago tomorrow was the day my world fell apart. It was the day I saw panic in my doctor's eyes as she desperately tried to find his heartbeat. I'll never forget one minute of that day. I'll never forget the utter helplessness, despair, unimaginable pain I was in. I am far from that today. I feel like I have come so far but I am no where close to feeling resolved. I honestly feel like it will be years if it ever happens for me. I don't know if I'll ever feel %100 again.

I am so grateful that Yoshi and Ava tried so hard to get me through the day. It could have been so much worse. Unfortunately, as hard as Yoshi tries, he can't take the pain away. This was my first mother's day as a mom of 2 and I've only got 1 baby here. There were these book marks in the church bulletin for everyone today. They were really nice and on them the words read, "Mother's hold their children's hands for a short time, and hold their hearts for ever" It nearly ripped my heart out. My time was cut so short. I only got to hold his hand once. I can remember wrapping his sweet little hand over my finger. That was it, that was the only time I got to hold his hand. Now I've got to hold him in my heart until I get to see him again. I wish I could hold him again now. I wish I didn't have to wait. I hate this so much, I don't want to wait!!!!!

I hate that this hole is going to be there for the rest of my life. I'll always have one less face in our family pictures. I'll always have one less stocking on the mantle at Christmas. I'll always have one less sweetheart to rock at night. Everyday is a struggle, but the events and holidays are even harder. I don't know if I'll ever feel truly happy again. I hope I will, but right now it just seems impossible.

To keep my spirits up today I stayed off my support group. I knew today would be a difficult day for mothers like me and I figured most posts would be sad poems or angry vents. I just wasn't up for it today. I managed to check my email though and a very sweet fellow angel mommy sent me these beautiful images with Jacob's name on them. They made me think of Jacob in heaven surrounded by peace and beauty. Thank you Anntionette for sending these to me.


  1. If a smile was able to be placed on your face after all the sadness the day brought then me and my friend Nicole have done our job as a good friend...God bless you today!!!

  2. Praying for you Sarah. The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you. Let me know if you need anything - I'm here for you!