Thursday, December 30, 2010

A New Year, A New Blog and New Beginnings

This blog began with my angel Jacob. After losing my first son, I was encouraged to start blogging as a means of healing. I don't know if it really helped, but it was nice to share my son with the world. He never got a chance to live. He never took a breath, but he is very much alive in our hearts. Jacob is and will be a part of our family forever. We are learning to live with a son in heaven. Jacob is a part of our life every day so I decided to change the blog from just Jacob's blog to our family blog. This is our family now: A princess, an angel and a rainbow waiting to be seen.

This year couldn't be over fast enough! I've been itching to take down the tree since the day after Christmas. If it weren't for my husband not wanting to retrieve the boxes out of the attic, it would all be down since Christmas day. Don't get me wrong, I was happy to celebrate the birth of Jesus with my family. This was Ava's first Christmas where she understood that Santa Claus was coming and bringing her presents, and most importantly, it was Jesus' birthday. It was wonderful to see her so excited. Ava even helped me make cookies for Santa. It was so much fun.

If it weren't for Ava, Christmas would have been an absolute disaster. This year has been my year of firsts. This was our first Christmas without Jacob. The one thing that hurt the most was Christmas cards. This took me by surprise. It started with creating our own Christmas card. Do I include Jacob? I send out over 75 Christmas cards, so how will people react when Jacob's name is on the card. Is that weird? I knew I couldn't put his picture on there, people would not understand that at all since I don't have a living picture of Jacob. So I made an executive decision and for the sake of others and questions and comments, I left him off. Then the Christmas cards from friends started coming. Many of our friends have been blessed this year, and we are so happy for them. But seeing all the families of 4 was killer. It hurt because even when I have a family of 4, we should be a family of 5. We will forever be one person short. Its a horrible feeling. Some days it just hits me that I will not ever have a life on earth with my son.

I am also ready for the year to be over because Noah will be here soon. After the new yea,r I only have 9 weeks until he is here. I know that once school starts back up with Ava the time will fly. Also, weekly appointments start soon and that helps the time pass quickly as well. I am ready for time to pass. I am ready to get past being pregnant and terrified. For the last year my heart has been through a complete roller coaster. The devastation of losing Jacob in my 9th month of pregnancy and mourning his loss to becoming pregnant only 4 months after his death. Its amazing how one can be so happy and grief stricken at the same time. It's taken an emotional toll on me, and I am ready to move forward with our lives.

Another reason I am so anxious to leave 2010 in the dust, is that Jacob's birthday is approaching. Jacob was born on February 8th. Its going to be an emotional time, and I am just ready to get it over with. I want to celebrate his birthday in a way that can become a tradition with our family. I want Ava and her new brother Noah to always know about Jacob and know how old he would be. I want him to very much be a part of our family and not just always in my own heart. I will pass Jacob's birthday just as I enter the 9th month of this pregnancy. I am terrified of the dejavu. I am ready to face it and get past it.

I am mostly looking forward to the new year because of all the new beginnings it holds. I can't wait to no longer be in the year of firsts. I don't know if its going to be easier this year, but the first year was awful. I am ready to have this baby. My pregnancy with Noah has been like nothing I've ever experienced. My emotions are everywhere. I started feeling really good around 20 weeks. Things began to get a little easier. Now that I am approaching the home stretch, things are getting difficult again. My fear is unreal. I wake up constantly in the middle of the night and roll around until he moves. If I am too busy and don't feel him move, I panic, lay down, drink juice and count the minutes until he starts kicking me. I know this will only get worse as I get closer, but I am really hoping weekly appointments and ultrasounds are going to help.

I am really excited about this blog too. I feel like I haven' t been the mom I should this last year. Ava doesn't have a picture from last February to about June. She spent most of her summer watching TV which embarrasses me to say. So I am excited to share our moments and experiences with others. I am excited to put ourselves out in the world again rather than living like a recluse. With the exception of school and Musikgarten, we haven't done much this year.