36 weeks

Today marks 36 weeks in my pregnancy. Maybe that's why I can't sleep. Maybe I can't sleep because I get to check on Noah in 4 hours. I remember not sleeping at the end of my pregnancy with Ava but it was different. I was so uncomfortable and I had serious indigestion so I had to sleep in the recliner. With Noah, I haven't had the indigestion or discomfort so much as the anxiety. I know he's fine. He's rolling around in there, kicking the heck out of my side. Part of me just can't get past the fact that he could be perfectly fine one minute and gone the next. If I don't feel him move at any length of time I am poking and proding at him. I've probably gained 10lbs from lemonade alone because he goes crazy after i have lemonade.

This week is just another trigger. Jacob died at 36 weeks. It was at this point last year my little boy passed away and my whole world was turned upside down. I never imagined something like that would happen. I've been thinking so much lately about what it will be like to give birth again after our last experience. I am sure that my anxiety will be through the roof. But what will it be like when he's born? It makes me cry even thinking about holding a warm, screaming baby. It makes me cry to think about taking him home. I haven't been to the hospital since Jacob died. Going there is going to be a huge trigger. I wish I could deliver him in the old hospital, the one Ava was born in. It was a dump but I had a much better experience there.

Anytime some one tells me they are 36 weeks pregnant it makes my heart hurt. When I hear about a baby being born at 36 weeks it makes me sad. Just a month ago, my sweet nephew was born at 36 weeks. He was perfect, thank God, and went home right away. If things had only been different for Jacob, he would have gone home too.

I've just got to make it past this week. I survived Jacob's last birthday, now I've got this "critical week" then hopefully I've only got a few weeks until Noah arrives. I am starting to feel impatient, but after all of this I think I can handle a few more weeks.