A New Year, A New Blog and New Beginnings

This blog began with my angel Jacob. After losing my first son, I was encouraged to start blogging as a means of healing. I don't know if it really helped, but it was nice to share my son with the world. He never got a chance to live. He never took a breath, but he is very much alive in our hearts. Jacob is and will be a part of our family forever. We are learning to live with a son in heaven. Jacob is a part of our life every day so I decided to change the blog from just Jacob's blog to our family blog. This is our family now: A princess, an angel and a rainbow waiting to be seen.

This year couldn't be over fast enough! I've been itching to take down the tree since the day after Christmas. If it weren't for my husband not wanting to retrieve the boxes out of the attic, it would all be down since Christmas day. Don't get me wrong, I was happy to celebrate the birth of Jesus with my family. This was Ava's first Christmas where she understood that Santa Claus was coming and bringing her presents, and most importantly, it was Jesus' birthday. It was wonderful to see her so excited. Ava even helped me make cookies for Santa. It was so much fun.

If it weren't for Ava, Christmas would have been an absolute disaster. This year has been my year of firsts. This was our first Christmas without Jacob. The one thing that hurt the most was Christmas cards. This took me by surprise. It started with creating our own Christmas card. Do I include Jacob? I send out over 75 Christmas cards, so how will people react when Jacob's name is on the card. Is that weird? I knew I couldn't put his picture on there, people would not understand that at all since I don't have a living picture of Jacob. So I made an executive decision and for the sake of others and questions and comments, I left him off. Then the Christmas cards from friends started coming. Many of our friends have been blessed this year, and we are so happy for them. But seeing all the families of 4 was killer. It hurt because even when I have a family of 4, we should be a family of 5. We will forever be one person short. Its a horrible feeling. Some days it just hits me that I will not ever have a life on earth with my son.

I am also ready for the year to be over because Noah will be here soon. After the new yea,r I only have 9 weeks until he is here. I know that once school starts back up with Ava the time will fly. Also, weekly appointments start soon and that helps the time pass quickly as well. I am ready for time to pass. I am ready to get past being pregnant and terrified. For the last year my heart has been through a complete roller coaster. The devastation of losing Jacob in my 9th month of pregnancy and mourning his loss to becoming pregnant only 4 months after his death. Its amazing how one can be so happy and grief stricken at the same time. It's taken an emotional toll on me, and I am ready to move forward with our lives.

Another reason I am so anxious to leave 2010 in the dust, is that Jacob's birthday is approaching. Jacob was born on February 8th. Its going to be an emotional time, and I am just ready to get it over with. I want to celebrate his birthday in a way that can become a tradition with our family. I want Ava and her new brother Noah to always know about Jacob and know how old he would be. I want him to very much be a part of our family and not just always in my own heart. I will pass Jacob's birthday just as I enter the 9th month of this pregnancy. I am terrified of the dejavu. I am ready to face it and get past it.

I am mostly looking forward to the new year because of all the new beginnings it holds. I can't wait to no longer be in the year of firsts. I don't know if its going to be easier this year, but the first year was awful. I am ready to have this baby. My pregnancy with Noah has been like nothing I've ever experienced. My emotions are everywhere. I started feeling really good around 20 weeks. Things began to get a little easier. Now that I am approaching the home stretch, things are getting difficult again. My fear is unreal. I wake up constantly in the middle of the night and roll around until he moves. If I am too busy and don't feel him move, I panic, lay down, drink juice and count the minutes until he starts kicking me. I know this will only get worse as I get closer, but I am really hoping weekly appointments and ultrasounds are going to help.

I am really excited about this blog too. I feel like I haven' t been the mom I should this last year. Ava doesn't have a picture from last February to about June. She spent most of her summer watching TV which embarrasses me to say. So I am excited to share our moments and experiences with others. I am excited to put ourselves out in the world again rather than living like a recluse. With the exception of school and Musikgarten, we haven't done much this year.

Ok, I am the worst blogger on Earth

Its been since August that I've made an entry. This is pitiful. Its been a hard thing to do. The last few months have been busy ones with a new business (musikgarten) and Ava's school and just life in general. Its hard to believe Thanksgiving is only a few days away.

Jacob is on my mind every day. This year has been an interesting journey. I have a son in heaven who would be 9 months old. He would be sitting in a high chair at Thanksgiving probably making a giant mess with mashed potatoes. I've got a 2 year old who is going on 15 right now. I heard her tell an older boy the other day she was 3. Its already started. And now I've got a rainbow on the way.

I wanted to get pregnant right away. When I lost Jacob I asked my doctor before we left the hospital when I could try again. I looked at Yoshi and said, "I want to try as soon as we can!" He assured me we'd do whatever we could. At that time it was total desperation. But a few months passed and the time came it I wasn't so sure my heart was ready. As usual, we were blessed right away. The first trimester was total hell. We didn't tell our families until we were 15 weeks. I was petrified every moment that I wasn't pregnant anymore. My sweet doctor saw me constantly for reassurance. I promised myself I wouldn't buy this baby a thing until he was here. I wouldn't wash any clothes or buy any diapers. I wouldn't get too "attached."

That is really a strange idea though. How do you not get attached to your child? I mean, this isn't a puppy we are talking about. So the second trimester came and we found out we are having another boy. Ava is so happy, she actually predicted it was a brother! Yoshi is thrilled again. I am terrified and excited to have a chance to bring home another boy.

Its hard not to get excited an optimistic. Everything is normal so far as it was with Jacob. Part of me wants a normal pregnancy. I want to be thrilled and planning a nursery and picking out clothes. I want to have no doubt. At first I didn't want to do a thing, but why shouldn't I plan and make things special for this one? Because I don't want to get my hopes up? Will keeping this all to myself make it easier if I lose him too? I don't think so. I think if I didn't try and make things special for him I would regret it.

Grief is such an interesting thing. Especially where I am right now. I can have really good days. I can be completely overwhelmed with joy one minute and back down the next. Its kind of funny because you never quite know what it is going to be that gets you. Yesterday I saw some family pictures of a friend with her family of four. I just got sad and angry. That should be my family, and even when it is my family I will always be one short. My life will never be complete.

I feel like I am living with this. I don't want too, but I don't really have a choice. So I've been thinking about making a family blog instead of a Jacob blog (since I am so good at blogging in the first place lol) I want to share all of my family. I want to put the good, bad and ugly all in one place.

Its been a long time

I haven't posted to this blog in forever. I don't know why. Maybe because I feel like I complain constantly. Maybe I don't feel like I have anything positive to say about all of this. Maybe I don't think people read this anyway so what's the point? I dont' know. Its just been a long time. Time is just ticking away. We are settling into a life without our son. Its not the life I want, but I guess its what I've got to deal with for this short time on earth. Ava keeps me moving forward. She is my reason for wanting to grow our family and keep everyone happy. She keeps me getting out of bed everyday. Thank God for her.

We've been staying so busy this summer, its been helping me get through the days. I don't cry everyday anymore. I think that's a good thing. I cried last night and it was the first time in a while. I think I just needed it.

I want to be happy again

I so want to be happy again. I'm really, really trying. I love my family so much and I've been blessed but I've just got this whole in my heart. It hurts everytime I see a new baby. It hurts when Ava plays with her baby doll. It hurts when I see a little boy. I don't think there will ever be a day when it doesn't hurt.

I just can't believe this is my life. Last night I was listening to a sermon and he was telling a group of newly ordained elders what they would have to deal with during their ministry. They would have to deal with difficult situations. LIke being there for couples as they get married yet having to counsel couples through a divorce. Then he mentioned that they will be there to celebrate the birth of babies, but they may also have to help a family when they have to bury their infant. When he mentioned this the congregation gasped. It was a powerful message but when he mentioned the death of a baby it grabs at everyone's heart. All I could do was sit there and cry because that is my life. The death of a baby is too gruesome for anyone to imagine but that is my life. That is our family. One sweet baby girl on earth and a son in heaven and it will always be this way.

I've got to find a way to live with this pain and be happy again. I can make it through most days without a tear, but my heart is still broken. I don't really care about anything anymore except for my family. All I want to do is stay home and be with my family every minute because they are so precious to me and I don't know if they'll be taken away. Its a terrible fear to live with and I can't control any of it.

My sweet boy would be 4 months old today. I wish he were here, I miss him so much. I had to take his beautiful picture off of here because some sick pshyco on facebook was stealing angel baby pictures and posting hateful things about them on her page. So to protect by little boy, i had to take it down.

Frustrated

I wish that 4 months was enough time for me. It seems as though the rest of the world is just moving on as planned and my life is still stuck in this twilight zone. Losing Jacob is still very fresh for me. At first everyone was mindful of my feelings but now its just like nothing ever happened. Maybe for everyone else 4 months is enough time to move on.

Some days I can be hopeful and look forward to the future. I really feel like I've been having a better time with things lately. I can see that I am healing in some ways. I can talk about Jacob without crying. I can think of him in heaven in a positive way. But then a day will hit me and I just go back to WHY. WHY WHY WHY US!? Why did my son have to die? Why do worthless piece of shit families who have no business having kids in the first place, living on welfare and social security, who keep having kids for the sole purpose of another damn government check get the privilege of having a healthy baby and my son had to die? Its so damn unfair how can I not be bitter and pissed?

I want Jacob. Even if I have another baby, it won't be Jacob. No one ever will be. I want another child so Ava can have a sibling to grow up with but no one will ever be Jacob and no one will ever replace him or heal my heart. Another baby won't make things easier. People say that and its just not true. I will never have my beautiful Jacob and there is nothing in the world that can bring him back or make me feel better. Except for time, and I am sorry, 4 months just isn't long enough.

Dear Jacob

I can't believe its been 13 weeks since I held your for the first and last time. I miss you so much. I finally put your picture up in my bedroom. So now every night I get to see your beautiful face instead of imagining it in my mind. We are surviving with out you. Its not much fun but we have to do what we have to do. Some days I wish I could just join you in heaven, but I know I am still needed here. I am trying to make the best I can without you. Your nursery is still ready for you. I haven't had the heart to take your letters off the wall but I know its coming. I wish I could tell you that we are all here doing well and we are happy, but I can't say that. We just miss you so much everyday. I just wanted you to know how much I love you and I've been praying that God will kiss you for me every night since I don't get to. I don't have to worry too much about you because I know you are safe and loved where you are. You are in my heart and on my mind everyday. Mommy loves you.

Sleepless Night

Well I've just laid in bed for 2 hours and nothing is happening. This might be an ambien night. Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I knew mother's day was going to be difficult so I worked myself up all week worrying about how it was going to go. I had decided I wasn't going to church service. Then this morning I woke up and it wasn't so bad. I wanted to go to church, so I went. Yoshi did everything he could to make my day special. He "made" breakfast so I didn't have to cook. (He picked up donuts lol) He did the dishes all day long. He and Ava gave me a beautiful butterfly charm for my bracelet. Ava decorated a sweet mother's day card and Yoshi wrote nice words on the inside. My brilliant baby girl even counted to 10! Yoshi encouraged me all day. He was sweet and bragged about how great I was at being a mother and how he was glad I wasn't working anymore. He thanked me for working so hard all the time to keep the house clean and cook yummy meals. Yoshi also hung a shelf in our bedroom where we were finally able to put Jacob's picture and urn. I was glad to finally have pictures of my baby boy up. He finished the day off by giving Ava a bath and cleaning up! It was pretty much a dream day. A wonderful day with my family and a pretty awesome husband taking care of me.

So at the end of the day, I find myself laying in bed feeling so incomplete. There is just a part of me that is not here. My Jacob. I feel like he has taken a part of my heart with him. I don't know if I will ever feel completely happy again. I know that time will help heal. It already has in many ways. I am so much better than I was 13 weeks ago. 13 weeks ago tomorrow was the day my world fell apart. It was the day I saw panic in my doctor's eyes as she desperately tried to find his heartbeat. I'll never forget one minute of that day. I'll never forget the utter helplessness, despair, unimaginable pain I was in. I am far from that today. I feel like I have come so far but I am no where close to feeling resolved. I honestly feel like it will be years if it ever happens for me. I don't know if I'll ever feel %100 again.


I am so grateful that Yoshi and Ava tried so hard to get me through the day. It could have been so much worse. Unfortunately, as hard as Yoshi tries, he can't take the pain away. This was my first mother's day as a mom of 2 and I've only got 1 baby here. There were these book marks in the church bulletin for everyone today. They were really nice and on them the words read, "Mother's hold their children's hands for a short time, and hold their hearts for ever" It nearly ripped my heart out. My time was cut so short. I only got to hold his hand once. I can remember wrapping his sweet little hand over my finger. That was it, that was the only time I got to hold his hand. Now I've got to hold him in my heart until I get to see him again. I wish I could hold him again now. I wish I didn't have to wait. I hate this so much, I don't want to wait!!!!!

I hate that this hole is going to be there for the rest of my life. I'll always have one less face in our family pictures. I'll always have one less stocking on the mantle at Christmas. I'll always have one less sweetheart to rock at night. Everyday is a struggle, but the events and holidays are even harder. I don't know if I'll ever feel truly happy again. I hope I will, but right now it just seems impossible.

To keep my spirits up today I stayed off my support group. I knew today would be a difficult day for mothers like me and I figured most posts would be sad poems or angry vents. I just wasn't up for it today. I managed to check my email though and a very sweet fellow angel mommy sent me these beautiful images with Jacob's name on them. They made me think of Jacob in heaven surrounded by peace and beauty. Thank you Anntionette for sending these to me.

Some days I feel like I am from a different planet. Like this whole world is just going around and I am somewhere in the middle. I almost feel like I am in another country and I don't know the language. I feel like pain and grief are all I know right now. I can't think or talk about anything else. When I am with people I feel like a stranger. No one makes me feel this way, I just do. I am just not myself anymore. Ava and Yoshi make me happy. I feel comfortable and safe at home. I don't have to worry about getting hurt by things I hear or see.

I think I am feeling this way because the rest of the world is moving on. Its easier for everyone else to heal first. My loss is still fresh though. I still think about Jacob nearly every minute of the day. Mother's day is coming and I am a mother with 1 less child. I am grateful for what I have, but I should have more. Just because my child didn't survive doesn't mean I am less grateful for the other. That's actually a ridiculous thought. Its like saying, "You lost your mom, so you should just be grateful you have your dad." You were always grateful you had your father. You didn't need to lose your mother to be grateful.

Today is just a difficult day. Not everyday is like this. I have actually felt pretty good the last few weeks. I think I am moving forward. I can certainly see a glimmer of hope now. Holidays are just so hard, mother's day especially. I think I am feeling the stress of the anticipation of the holiday. And now that the rest of the world is moving on without me, I feel more alone than ever. I guess that's why I feel like I am from a different planet today.

I know I'll make it through this. I've already survived 12 weeks. I've just got to remind myself to continue to take one day at a time. I can't get too ahead of myself.

A basketcase

I ask myself constantly, how am I ever going to get through this? Sometimes I am ok, but other days I am not. I go from being ok, to angry, to sad, to bitter and then back again. I feel like my life is a roller coaster of emotions. I never know how I am going to react to any given situation. Sometimes I can talk about Jacob with absolute joy. I really love it when that happens. Other days I can't talk about him at all. The days I am angry I often try to find some one to focus my anger on. I have no one to be angry at. This is no ones fault. So I get mad at people for having babies or being pregnant or taking their lives and children for granted. Life is just going on without Jacob. Babies who weren't even thought of when he was conceived are being born everyday and he is not. He will never be here. Sometimes this makes me really mad and I can't help myself. I hope that one day I won't feel these bitter feelings.

Its hard to have these feelings and no one around you understands. It bothers me when people minimize my loss. Like when people say, "At least you didn't bring him home only for him to die days later" or "At least he didn't suffer" Well who the hell says he was going to suffer? There was NOTHING wrong with him.

Its hard to keep these things to myself. Its hard to feel these angry, bitter, resentful feelings. I feel guilty for being angry and jealous of what others have. I have never been jealous in my life. I really don't think I have ever wanted something more than what I have. Not of this magnitude anyway. And if I have ever been jealous, I have never been ANGRY about it. I am a mother of two but I only have one child with me. Its not fair. I did everything right, why did this happen to us!?

I know that time will help this. I remind myself everyday that this will get easier. I hope that this experience will make me a better person. I can totally see how this kind of experience can harden a person or destroy a family. I am determined not to let that become my life. I don't feel like I can move on from these bitter feelings unless I get them out. So here they are!!

Thank you for letting me vent and get some of these things off my chest. I have been a part of an awsome support group and a network of other mothers who have similar experiences. They all understand because they feel a lot of the same feelings. I want to share these things with my "pre-loss" friends as well because I know you all care. and also mostly so you don't think I am a basketcase!

Made up memories

Life will never be the same without Jacob. Easter was so difficult. It should have been a joyous celebration. Easter brings the hope and promise that we will have eternal life and that I will be with Jacob in heaven again one day. So why can't I be happy? Why can't I be grateful for this promise? Its not enough. I should have had more time with him. If I had even 5 minutes to hold him and see him breathe and kiss him and tell him how much I love him, I might not feel so cheated. I could at least be grateful for the few minutes I had with him.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant with Jacob he began to fit into my life. I would envision our future with the 4 of us. I figured Easter would be my first Sunday back in church with all my family. I was going to dress Jacob up in some preppy little man outfit that Yoshi would have a fit about. We were going to be so happy. I imagined Jacob having cake long before Ava ever got it because he would be here for Ava's 2nd birthday. I thought about how Jacob would learn how to tear into presents come Christmas time. He would learn all these things so much sooner than Ava did because he would have his big sister to look up to. It sucks when the only memories you have of your loved one are the memories you made up.

I wish I had more memories of Jacob. I tried so hard to memorize his face after he was born. I spent the 2 hours I held him just looking at him. I knew then 2 hours would fade in a lifetime. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I did when I was pregnant with him. These are real memories. Whenever Yoshi and I talk about things we did in the last year I always like to mention, "when i was pregnant with Jacob" It makes me feel good to think about him and talk about him because he was with us. Those are the memories I want to hold onto forever.

Accepting it

Jacob would be 6 weeks old this week. I've spent a lot of time looking at the pictures of Ava at 6 weeks old. I look at them and think about Jacob and what he would be like by now. He would have changed so much in just 6 weeks. We would probably be exhausted by now from the lack of sleep. Instead I lay in bed at night with nothing but time. Night time is the hardest part. I can pack my day full of activities to keep my mind busy but it never fails. Night time always comes and all I can do is lay there and think about everything that has happened. I've decided that I can't question too much. The more I question, the more I feel my faith slipping. The only thing I can do is believe. I have to believe and have faith that I will see Jacob again one day. I have no other choice.


I try not to feel guilty but its so hard. I took every part of my pregnancy with Jacob and Ava for granted. I never thought things wouldn't work out. I was always nervous of an early miscarriage, but as soon as I hit 13 weeks I went crazy telling friends of our news, buying baby clothes and picking out the nursery. When you get pregnant you think, "I am going to have a baby!" you never think, "I might get a baby." With Ava I was working, so I had time to sit down an feel her kick and move. With Jacob, I was always chasing around Ava so I never sat down and felt him kick. He moved all the time so it was almost like I tuned it out. I had no idea those kicks would be some of the only moments I would spent with my baby boy. I was so nervous about taking care of two little ones at home by myself all day. I would complain how hard it was to be pregnant with a toddler. Its hard not to feel guilt when I think about these things. I complained and I took everything for granted. God blessed me with Jacob. I should have been thanking him everyday and praying everything would work out. I should have been thanking Him for giving me such a healthy little girl and I should have been grateful she was so active! God didn't have to give me either child. I guess I'll just have to make up for it now. I can promise a day won't go by that I won't thank Him for both Ava and Jacob.

People like to give you lots of advice when you have a tragedy. Some of it's good and some of it is NOT good. One thing many people have told me is that this will strengthen my relationship with God. At first, I couldn't imagine how losing my son would strengthen it. I was resentful and full of questions that couldn't be answered. Every night I pray and God is not answering. How on earth is this helping my relationship with God? I don't know what happened but the other night while I was praying I just had this feeling come over me. Its like all the sudden I really believed Jacob was in Heaven. How can I be angry with God? He is with Jacob. I should be thankful He is with my son and taking care of him. I can't possibly be angry with God when he is closest to Jacob. I knew Jacob was in Heaven but I guess I hadn't really accepted it until now. He is not here on earth and he never will be. I guess this is all part of accepting his death. I am so grateful that we have eternal life and that one day I will get to see Jacob again. I just hope he recognizes us since he never got to see Yoshi or me.

Surviving

Its already been 1 month since we lost Jacob. It feels like it was yesterday and yet it feels like its been an eternity. I have felt every single minute that has passed but they all run together like a giant blur. I haven't had the courage to blog since I wrote that letter to Jacob. It's probably because I haven't had any positive things to say about all of this. I have spent the last month in unimaginable grief and anger. I have felt angry and guilty with myself and angry with God. These feelings come and go. I know that there isn't anything I wouldn't have done to save my son, and its selfish to believe God has done these things to me. I literally have to remind myself every single day of this. As grim as this all sounds, we haven't died yet, so I guess we are surviving.

We received the results of all the labs and testing that was done. I am healthy and Jacob was perfect. The cause of death was listed as chorioamniotis, which basically means he died of an infection. This really doesn't explain how or why, nor does it even prove he died of an infection. The infection could have set in after he died. It really doesn't make sense that he died of infection because I was never sick. I do not believe that was the cause of his death. It really just leaves us with more questions.

The results are bittersweet. I am grateful and relieved that I am healthy, and that there was nothing I did that killed my son. I am heartbroken that Jacob died for no apparent reason and was perfect. He would have been just like Ava, a healthy baby. At least now I am not waiting by the phone in agony for answers. I am never going to know more than I know today. I think now I can move forward in my grief instead of constantly wondering and looking back on what has happened.

Dear Jacob,

I've missed you every minute of every day since you've been gone. Daddy and I were so excited about your arrival. Everyday we were planning and getting ready for you. I had daddy on a new list of "to dos" every weekend. Ava has asked about you. She used to poke on you while you were in my tummy, and she would kiss and hug you. I showed her your picture and she kissed it. She loves you very much. It breaks my heart that you won't get to grow up with your big sister. It makes me sad to know we won't ever see you roll on your tummy, crawl, take your first steps or say your first words. We won't get to see you grow up to be a big boy, play football with your daddy or attend your first day of kindergarten. We will miss out on so many things. A lifetime. You never saw me, your dad or your sister. You never saw any of the friends and family who love you so much. Your life was so short, you never even got to take a breath. Just becuase your life was short, Angel, doesn't mean it was insignificant. You gave us so much joy and excitement. All of us were so thrilled about you. You gave us the vision of our family. That we could be more than 3, and one day we will be. The 9 months I carried you were the happiest months of my life. I am grateful I was with you every day of your life. I cared for you, fed you and kept you safe all that time. I held you in my arms for hours after you were born, until I had to let you go. You were with your momma every day of your life. I am so grateful for that. I want you to know that although you are no longer in momma's arms, you are in my heart always and will be forever. Until we meet again and I can hold you in my arms. I look forward to that day again. Until then, I will take care of your sister and daddy and you will be in their hearts as well. I will thank God everyday of my life for blessing mine with yours. Not only did you bring joy and hope to our lives, but you gave so many others another reason to be grateful for their healthy babies and children. You showed us there are worse things in life than an argument with daddy or an empty checking account. You've changed our lives forever. And as heartbreaking as it is to lose you, I am glad God blessed us with you. If I had known what was going to happen, I would have had you anyway. Because I couldn't imagine my life without you sweet boy. I couldn't imagine never having known your love.